Happy New Year
I don’t get it.
Normally, New Year’s Day, I’m waking up, going for a walk, drinking green juice, reading the New York Times, writing a book list for the year. You get the gist.
This year, I created a vision board, prepared myself, my thoughts, my intentions. I even had a ceremony. There were even candles.
And, this morning, a few days into the new year, I could barely manage to grab a cup of coffee, do a one-minute meditation (I’m not a monster) and get my kid (only one has to get to school – the others are virtual) to school Maybe said kid arrived five minutes late. Okay ten minutes. Twelve. Whatever.
What is up with me?
It’s a new year. Goodbye 2020. I’m kicking 2020 in the butt. Glad that’s over – (I’m kind of poorly paraphrasing memes that I saw about getting rid of 2020 and moving onto 2021).
Why does it feel like I’m in some strange limbo, hovering between 2020 and not quite headed with appropriate “New Year gusto” into 2021? I swear I said that I was ready. There were even crystals.
Is it that this year especially there seemed to be an inordinate amount of pressure to make up for a year of social deprivation by making the holidays (in my case, Christmas) extra filled with presents, and love, and family, and hope, and joy, and – you get the gist.
Or is it that when I reflect upon 2020, I’m overwhelmed with exhaustion? It was a year of a viral illness that went on a spree of death and destruction. Except it didn’t. The virus didn’t trot through the countryside on its little viral legs. It was carried. It was transported by us. That is a shocker. People abandoning safe practices in the face of overwhelming evidence of harm – wtf. So that was tiring.
It was a year of shut-downs and home school and long drives and board games and brutality and a glaring spotlight on racism and denials of racism and a schism in the country that was exposed as a long deep gaping wound where people angrily took sides and each side was appalled by the other.
The year was filled with shattered hopes and realized dreams, fear and anguish and joy and love. It was everything we all experience every year except more.
And, somehow on January 1, I think I thought all of that would end.
Happy New Year – buh bye Corona virus. Mazel Tov and see you later violent disagreement. New Year. New Us. Except. We’re still us. The virus is still here. The pain is still rampant.
I’ll get there. The crystals and candles and hopes and dreams will work their magic. But, maybe I will allow myself a moment to catch my breath. I think I need a minute or two to rest and feel.
And then I’ll get back to it. I’ll rev up, get back to cheerfully donning my mask, visiting my loved ones in a socially distant matter, connecting without hugging, changing plans, and navigating this new and increasingly familiar eerie landscape.
Happy New Year. It’s new but it’s the same. We are experiencing it alone yet together but apart. It’s scary. But we have hope. You get the gist.
You captured the way I felt. It’s been a very disturbing year. Just want to add that I don’t know how I’d have gotten through it without my loved ones.
Thank you. Sometimes it takes me a minute to recognize how I’m feeling. I’m grateful for YOU and my loved ones as well!
Amanda, you are the most upbeat and positive person I know. Take the time to rest and recharge. 2020 was a year filled with highs and lows, love and tears. You’ll accomplish everything you want because that’s who you are, with or without crystals and candles. You always inspire me to do better and I thank you for it. So Happy New Year and cut yourself a break. It’s still early in the game of 2021! Love you!
Love you too, Judi! I’m being very gentle with myself as I move into 2021. I love being connected with people like YOU who are SO uplifting. Your courage and strength serve as reminders and inspiration!
I love ceremony and I love ritual…I believe in them deeply and I am so glad you gave this to yourself, vision boards, candles, writing intentions….I have come to call them affirmations so I can affirm they are happening and have let intentions go, it doesn’t seem as positive a word for me anymore…like resolutions, gone out the window, I am affirming new light, new love and new worlds without covid and leaving a few other choice things behind. Although I am very social, I really connected a bit more deeply with my family this year in a beautiful way, I miss girlfriend coffee dates and dinners, a night every couple of weeks that doesn’t involve cooking and cleaning, and living in a democracy which I surely hope is less than two weeks away. I agree with you we have hope, and we need to do lots of self care and be compassionate beings and watch 2021 unfold in new and exciting ways. Happy New Year my friend….many blessings to you!
You know, you’re right, Ogden. Intentions has been overused, much like resolutions – come to think of it. Each year, I have a whole package I usually complete and make my (poor beloved lol) family complete. This year, I went extra hard with the candles and alone time, and writing. And, I loved it. I tend to be so positive that I don’t notice when things need deeper reflection and assimilation. And, I am really giving myself some moments to ponder what we have collectively and individually been through in 2020 on many levels. I’m so fortunate to have you, with your wisdom and insight and magic, in my tribe.
Well put, Amanda. You captured a lot of how I’ve felt. I remind myself that I went through trauma in the past year (and days). And trauma requires attention and recovery. You are a bright light, and I can’t wait to get to know you better, it will help in my recovery.
Thank you! I look forward to getting to know you better too. You’re my favorite things: authentic, intelligent, funny and unique! Those traits combine to make the best people! IMHO (I feel cool when I use an acronym, which makes me decidedly uncool).